Caught Between Filial Piety and an Americanized Place – The 1.5 Generation Immigrant

I was first introduced to the term “1.5 generation immigrant” during a caffeine fueled all-nighter procrastination session. Despite being in my 3rd year of university at the time, I still haven’t learned how to start studying before exam week. My best friend sent me a VICE article earlier that night outlining the unique struggles of people who moved to a brand new culture before reaching adolescence. She intended to help me de-stress with a quick read, I ended up spending the night analyzing and re-reading the article while texting her “this is the most relatable thing I have read in my life”, all while being VERY stressed. I failed my Managerial Accounting final the next day.

That night happened about three years ago. Although I retook Managerial Accounting over the summer (and passed this time – thankfully), I barely remember the difference between debiting/crediting. Yet, I still vividly recall lines from this article and think about it from time-to-time. Something that truly stuck a cord with me is the line “many 1.5 generation immigrants gravitate toward friends with similar singular backgrounds”. When I think about my own life, it is certainly true that most of my close friends have similar upbringings: spending their childhood in Asia and teenage years in North America. Digging deeper though, I can’t help but wonder, why? Why do I connect with this particular group of people like no other? Of course, I have friends outside of this background – both friends who spent most if not all their life outside of North America as well as friends who are born and raised here. Most of whom with a similar worldview and value system. I like to think that our mindset is not based on the cultural environment we grew up in, but the location we choose to reside in – densely populated cities. Yes, you know us: From Vancouver to Milan to Shanghai, we are the postmodern metropolitan dwellers who are in a love hate relationship with capitalism, constantly discussing social justice, and so committed to sarcasm that it might as well solve world hunger. Just like all of them, I watch Game of Thrones, drink green juice, and travel for my Instagram… So why is it, that I can’t help but feel a slight sense of disconnect between my friends who didn’t spend their formative years in Asia?

It wasn’t until earlier this year, when I started to watch the hit Chinese drama “All Is Well” that things started to click. Initially, I just really appreciated the writing behind this TV series because of how accurately it portrayed the daily struggles of an average Chinese family. I recommended every friend who spoke Mandarin and their mother to watch it… but after a while, my own mother made a comment on this show: “Tell your dad to watch it. Maybe he’ll learn something.” It was at this moment that something illuminated itself to me– filial piety. Although I grew up with a certain understanding of this principle, I never fully internalized it until this point.

For anyone who isn’t familiar, filial piety is a concept coined by Confucius in the 4th century. It is arguably one of the most important principles in Eastern philosophy, and to this day, it plays a huge role in the socioeconomic landscape of China. According to Dictionary.com, filial piety is the important virtue and primary duty of respect, obedience, and care for one’s parents and elderly family members. I, like many of my 1.5 gen peers, were raised based off this principle. I have never questioned or felt the need to challenge it; filial piety made sense. My parents gave life to me, nurtured and supported me – it only makes sense that I respect and care for them to the best of my ability. However, there is an unspoken understanding within the practice that has received much scrutiny in recent years (rightfully, might I add): With the “gift of life”, a child is forever indebted to their parent; respect and care must be offered to the elder generation, sometimes without question.

To back track, “All Is Well” is a TV show depicting a problematic Chinese family with a demanding aging father and his 3 adult children, all facing their own unique struggles. While the main female lead is no doubt the protagonist of this show, my mom’s suggestion for my dad to watch the series is solely for a different character: the eldest son, who left China and now reside in America with his family. Sounds familiar? If I’m a 1.5 gen, my parents are by definition, 1st generation immigrants. Like the show, my dad’s parents are proud to have a son who moved to a faraway land, and “brought honour” to the family by achieving a higher quality of life (Supposedly. Actually, highly questionable. Have you been to China lately because they are living in 3019 over there). Also like the show, my grandparents were intrigued by the idea of moving out of their three-bedroom apartment in China, to my parents’ three-bedroom house in Canada. Not a huge improvement in all of our minds, but a world of difference in theirs. Unlike the show though, my grandparents really DID move in with my parents, and achieved their [Canadian] dream.

With my aunt in Toronto and my dad in Calgary, I’m actually quite glad my aging grandparents are now living in Canada – filial piety or not. Here is where the gratitude pauses, and issues start. Almost exactly as “All Is Well” depicts, two different generations living under the same roof comes with a whole slew of lifestyle differences. Oftentimes with practicing filial piety, it’s hard to draw the line on what should vs could be done in order to please one’s parents. In my family’s case, my mom is sacrificing her mental health to support her husband and his parents while my dad walks a tightrope between accommodating his parent’s way of life and his wife’s emotional wellbeing. This constant struggle has escalated so much that my mom suggested that she move out at one point. To add perspective, my parents’ marriage has always been a thing of envy. They are the couple my friends refer to when asked what they want their future to look like, they are the couple that still uses nicknames 20 years into the marriage, and they are definitely the couple that fostered my unrealistic expectation of love – rendering me incapable of being in a relationship (I digress; this is a story for another day). The fact that my Mom suggested to move out truly says more than words can express… and for those asking, “why can’t your grandparents just move out instead?” Well, the short answer is, you guessed it: filial piety. It is considered disrespectful if not taboo in Chinese tradition to not provide emotional and financial care for aging parents.

While sheltering myself 3,413km away from the never-ending family drama here in Toronto, I’m also lucky to have parents who are very “liberal”, as our extended family would call them. In other words, my parents taught me that respecting and caring for elders are important, but not as much as individual wellness or happiness. This said, it’s one thing to teach their daughter and another to act upon such teachings themselves. For a 1.5 gen like me, striving for individual fulfillment is as natural as breathing air, but I wouldn’t be fooling anyone to say that the daily struggles of my parents’ filial piety beliefs didn’t affect my worldview in someway. And no, I’m not the only one.

Amongst all my close friends, almost all the 1.5 gens I know have a common understanding of supporting our family in someway. It’s also an unspoken but synonymous truth that none of us does this *out of the goodness of our hearts*, but we do this out of duty. Take my best friend for example – yes, the contributing and/or sole reason I failed Managerial Accounting, is currently going through her own filial piety struggles. Due to her grandmother’s declining health, my best friend’s father chose to go back to China in order to better take care of his mother. However, this decision that stemmed from a dutiful son performing his filial piety obligations has initiated a chain of events. As the primary breadwinner of the family, pausing a 9-5 job has led to a tight economical condition for his own family. Being the eldest of two children in her family, my best friend is more than a decade older than her younger sister, and now the only individual within her family with a full-time income. Almost ironically, she’s faced with the same decision that her father had to make just months prior: Does she move back to take care of her mother and sister? The difference may lie with the way that filial piety is displayed: time vs finance, but somethings never change. While our 2nd generation contemporaries grew up with only the idea of filial piety from their parents, the 1.5 gens’ childhood was embedded with messages and people all around us dutifully bound to perform the “highest of all virtues”. No matter how independent and individualistic we think we are, no matter how many years we’ve spent in North America, and no matter how many Netflix series or cheeseburgers consumed, we will always be affected by the idea of filial piety in the most subliminal of ways – just like our 1st generation parents.

I don’t mean to critique the act of filial piety as a whole, it is in fact one unique part of a cultural identity I’m proud to represent. However, in a world where globalization and the amalgamation of values across cultures is rampant, an individual can often feel conflicted when dissecting their personal beliefs – especially if those beliefs with demanding natures are deeply rooted in tradition that juxtaposes our modern world. Eastern and western orthodox don’t exactly mix, with one highlighting the importance of family and community, the other highlights the importance of individuality. My fellow 1.5 generation Chinese immigrants are the perfect example of this – as cliché as it is to say: with every life decision, we face the subconscious choice between “honour” for the family and “happiness” for ourselves. We are an anomalous group often more conservative than those born and raised in North American, yet more liberal than those who grew up in China.

In this way, my fellow 1.5 gens are straddling the best (and worst) of both worlds. We shift our values between 1st and 2nd generation immigrant culture… or perhaps we can identify with both, allotting us an even more diverse perspective.

At the end of the day though, this is definitely a good thing in my eyes: I mean, who doesn’t stan a multicultural queen? 😉